No Need to Get Married
Chapter 1 of “You Shall Be Holy: Reflections on Orthodox Womanhood”
All human souls are "feminine" in relation to God, the husband and the lover of each soul.
—Evelyn Birge Vitz
If there is one thing that everyone knows Christianity teaches, it is God’s love. All Christians know, at least in their head, that God loves them. So what makes the difference for specific women? What makes this message really take root in a girl’s heart, so that by the time she reaches adulthood, it has become the greatest of all trees, weighed down with fruit, birds nesting in its branches?
Christ tells us that the seed must fall on good soil in order to bear fruit. Although He, the Sower, first sows the seed (mediated through pastors, parents, teachers, and other Christians who spread the Faith by example and teaching), our own heart is ultimately what determines our response to the message of God’s love. Today I’d like to share how God taught me over the years to tend the garden of my heart, and how the seed of my love for Him finally took root several years ago.
As a first grade teacher, observing six- and seven-year-olds, I learned a lot about human nature—in particular, I was struck by the universal fascination of young girls with romance and marriage. One of my students loved to ask me if my boyfriend and I had gotten married yet. I said no, and explained that since she called me “Miss ____”, that meant I wasn’t married, since only married women go by “Mrs.” At first she looked crestfallen at this news, but then perked up and said mischievously, “well, maybe one day you’ll be Mrs. ____!”
What does this fascination reveal about the hearts of grown women? We all know deep down that our yearning to be loved and cherished does not go away when we reach adulthood. It can only be fulfilled—for some of us, in the iconic marriage relationship, and for all of us in a romance with our Creator.
The year before I had the super-romantic first grade student, I visited an Orthodox women’s monastery for a week for a spiritual reset, to commune with God in a way that is basically inaccessible when living and working in the world. Although at the time I was single, I was pretty sure God had called me to marriage, simply because of the extreme desire I had felt my whole life for marriage. So when the nuns asked if I were considering monastic life, I replied, “no, I’m too romantic.” But perhaps I shouldn’t have been surprised to hear them reply, “Oh, but this life is a romance. If it weren’t, we wouldn’t be here, either.”
The next year, I did have a boyfriend, whom I had decided I was going to marry—I was now closer to 30 than 20, which meant that in my timing, I was already running late on marriage and children by several years. But he didn’t work out either, breaking up with me in a move that left me feeling strangely relieved.
The undeniable relief I physically felt revealed that I had been lying to myself. My ex had checked some of my boxes (smart, tall, liturgical Christian) but missed the main one: as a person, I didn’t even like him, let alone love him. What I liked was having someone whom I could pretend could fill the God-shaped hole that had always been in my heart. And now that he was gone, I was staring into the abyss once again.
With the pandemic, teaching had gone remote and I had moved home temporarily with my parents. I found myself walking down their country lane for hours a day. It was a beautiful time of year, as waves of grass and pink wild radishes fluttered in the breeze, interspersed with shade from coast live oaks and eucalyptus trees. Miniature ponies here and flocks of sheep there provided visual entertainment as I tried to avoid stepping in potholes on the neglected one-lane road.
On my walk, my thoughts turned from the creation to the Creator. I had to smile at this new development: He was too merciful to let me worship the idol of relationships any longer, forcing me to confront my idolatry through my ex’s decision to break up with me.
Why was I chasing relationships out of a sense of scarcity? Why was I so desperate to be loved? I realized the truth: I was desperately afraid that being single meant I was entirely unloved and therefore un-valuable as well.
Hadn’t I been hearing my whole life that God loved me? Why didn’t I feel it deep down? I realized I had to take it on trust—act like I believed He was enough, and trust that feelings would follow. I envisioned my headstone with a lone name inscribed, no mention of husband or children, and accepted that this might be, knowing that as long as God loved me, everything would be okay, even good. For my worth and value did not come from a man’s love alone, but from the love of God.
As an epilogue, the man who became my husband introduced himself to me later that year. Now that I was rooted in God’s love and no longer desperate for human affection, I was able to keep my head on straight to a much greater degree than normal as this relationship progressed. I prayed that if this relationship were not God’s will that He would take it away. So when we did reach our wedding day, I was sure that this was truly His will.
How about you—are you already secure in the knowledge of God’s love for you? Do you still need to acquire this knowledge, taking it on trust until it feels more natural? Is He your deepest desire, or has something usurped His place as the King of your life? For me, it was relationships. For others, it might be beauty, fashion, health, culture, comfort, travel, a social media following, friends, people’s good opinion of you, or your own opinions of the world around you. All of these things can be blessings, or idols.
Perhaps you are just getting to know God and responding to His love for the first time. Because He is a relational God in Trinity and made us in His image and likeness, we are designed for deep relationship as well, first and foremost with Him. Here are some ways that I have been able to continually get to know and love God:
Attending church services and participating in the Holy Mysteries
Prayer, both in the prayers of the Church and in my own words
Repeating and memorizing individual Scripture verses as a prayer
Doing little activities that bring me joy and remembering they are from Him, like reading, writing, spending time outside, cooking, and playing music
As we grow in our knowledge and love of God, it can also help to meditate on the ways He has already shown His love for us. Who were the people who first brought you to Faith and nurtured its growth within you? Have there been coincidences, encounters, people entering your life at the perfect time? Did God withhold something from you that you desperately wanted, but weren’t ready for yet—and then He later gave it to you after you had learned the lesson necessary to appreciate it and use it well? And all of us can meditate on how He has forgiven us our sins, blessed us to put them behind us, and start anew.
Interview with Gwendolyn
It is my pleasure to share an interview with my dear friend, Gwendolyn. She describes herself as “a newly and joyfully illumined1, cloistered improv handicrafting mistress and former wandering evangelical from NorCal.” I recently described Gwendolyn as “an island of peace when people spend time with you, so loving both of God and of other people, so easy to be friends with.” Enjoy this interview as Gwendolyn shares about how she came to receive God's love.
Tell me about your desire to become holy. In your experience, what are the biggest obstacles, and supports, to becoming holy?
I have always looked for the romantic. “Those who wish to sing will always find a song.” So I found my song in Christ. His love is a deep well. I am no one to speak of such greatness, but I know there is more than enough because He placed a desire for it in my heart that won't let me go.
The obstacles to holiness are always the same: wandering or idle thoughts which lead to low or independent spirits away from Christ, as well as the vice of pride and proud thoughts. This is the ultimate “enmity between man and man, and God and man,” as C.S. Lewis says. Pride has kept me from really knowing and loving God and others more deeply because I have often been satisfied with my own pleasure more than that of others. Thinking of myself less is therefore my hope and objective so that there is space to think of others. I think that the danger of always believing that I am special to God is that is then easy to think that I am more special to Him than others, which is where pride comes in. Perhaps that is why [Christ says some of] those who cast out demons in His name never really knew Him, because pride divided their bond?
Thankfully now I am not on my own and have the help of not only the church but thousands of saintly heavenly hosts!
How do you know that God loves you, and when did you first learn this?
I was about 12 when I gave my heart to Christ at Mt. Gilead Summer Camp in Sonoma County. I heard about His desire to win my whole heart as His long cherished prize, and about His dowry/down payment in the Holy Spirit to secure my future with Him, and how He is making preparations for me until the Father tells him “enough!” How He gave all of Himself even if just to win one soul. How could I resist such a spiritual betrothal? What drew me the most to Him was the sweet and tender worship tunes like:
The nails in Your hands, The nail in Your feet, They tell me how much You love me.
The thorns on Your brow, They tell me how You bore so much shame to love me.
When the heavens pass away, All Your scars will still remain,
And forever, they will say Just how much You love me.
So I want to say: Forever my love, my heart, my life is Yours...
Years later as an adult, I joined a worship circle around a campfire and they played that same song (after more than 20 years of hearing it!) and I just wept when I remembered when I first gave my heart.
Throughout my life I have noticed His mercies in manifold ways that show me that He notices my weakness, my blindness and shields me from unnecessary torment or strain. He kept me from basically being homeless at least four times. There's not really a story that stands out... just [being] broke! But like the children of Israel, sometimes He would let me have what I wanted just so I could see how foolish it is and come to my senses.
When I was at my lowest and most desperate to hear from Him, He would whisper words of love to me, reminding me to stay with Him in my thoughts and heart. I wanted to feel His love more than anything in the world, anything but the grayness I felt. I don't know if I want to share about the lowest times of my life in public—it’s embarrassing. I will just share that He helped me end a miserably long relationship that was destroying and degrading my soul.
“Oh taste and see that the Lord is good!”
How do you love God back, as a response to His love for you?
God knows. I suppose very weak attempts at offering my heart and thoughts back to him, asking Him to take anything that is not His will away, that our desires would be aligned. I have always been taught that all He ever wanted was my heart, so that is what I have been trying to do. I whisper, “Lord have mercy;” when I am walking to work I pray that I would be a vessel of refreshment and succor, a sanctuary of peace with eyes of tender compassion and a mind to contribute solutions.
How do you share God’s love with others, especially your sisters in Christ?
I ask Him to give me eyes of tender compassion on others and be receptive to a need that I can solve or serve. I have special compassion for the incarcerated or otherwise solitarily confined whether because of their crimes or someone else's. I have never been incarcerated but I know what it feels like to be trapped and isolated. I took care of my gran for five years and had to live with her all that time because of her anxiety of being left alone. That was taxing on my health—I developed chronic fatigue. I never felt energized or well until after she passed, sadly.
How does deeply knowing that God loves you make a difference in your everyday life?
I've known and felt God's desire for as long as I have had memory. Knowing and feeling His desire for me has made me more content and less desperate to find it elsewhere or to try to prove myself as worthy of love from others. It's not about “worth;” it's about the identity of being His precious Bride and Daughter which was something that was bestowed and not earned.
How has Orthodoxy helped you feel God’s love for you even more?
Orthodoxy has helped me feel settled, at home, not a wandering stray cat anymore. It has given me a pathway [of] how to actually follow God day by day which is so refreshing and at the same time against my rebellious nature. I normally can't stand rules, but these rules make sense. I have never heard of as much emphasis on humility and prayer anywhere else. It was frightening and [I was] especially terrified of the priest and confessions, but it was such a relief when I surrendered, knowing I was loved, forgiven, and even needed in this church!
Thank you so much, Gwendolyn, for sharing your experience and love for God! May God grant you many blessed years!
Please share your responses to this chapter in the comments below; all reflections are welcome!
Read the Intro to the Series here.
Read next: Chapter 2: Are You A Thomas?
“Newly illumined” refers to someone who has recently joined the Orthodox Church.
I remember St. Augustine's quote: "To fall in love with God is the greatest romance; to seek him the greatest adventure; to find him, the greatest human achievement."
I also used to crave so much for a romantic partner, thinking that was the only way to satisfy our innate desire to love and to be loved. But God pursued me and taught me that even if we never get the earthly spouses we're looking for, no person would ever be deprived of the happiness of love because God Himself is Love!
Once I knew this love only in theory, but He answered my prayer and helped me feel how He truly loves me so.
Some people say that we should pray for our future spouses, and I did. I prayed for someone and even wrote all my requests about this person.
Was my prayer answered? At first I thought it was not, but then I've realized that the Person I have been looking for, the One who possessed all the traits that I wanted could be no other than God Himself. My prayer was answered in a way that I never thought it would.
I think this couldn't be more expressly shown than in one miraculous incident that happened when I asked God for a rose https://singlecatholicwriter.substack.com/p/when-i-asked-god-for-a-rose
I had a similar experience, when I was in college, to yours, of facing up to the reality that no human relationship would be satisfying if it weren't established as subordinate to, and flowing from, the love of God. It was scary, but so freeing, to resolve to not get romantically involved with anyone who wasn't trying to be a Christian, even if it meant that I would never marry. I wasn't quite 20, and it had only been after going away to college that I actually had much dating experience, and none of it was with anyone worthy, I'm sorry to say.
It was only a few months later that *two* committed Christian men came into my life. Because my new perspective enabled me to, as you say, keep my head on straight, and be intentional, I felt peaceful and no longer desperate. Christ was my true love. One of those men had just ended a relationship with a girl who was rejecting Christ, while he was drawing closer. Two years later he became my husband.