Depression Isn’t Forever

Chapter 3 of “You Shall Be Holy: Reflections on Orthodox Womanhood”

Though but grass—O awesome wonder!—

Yet bedewed am I past telling,

Like that bush of old on Sinai

Which was unconsumed, though burning.

—St. Symeon the New Theologian (A.D. 949-1022)

An interesting icon of the Burning Bush which I saw at this blog. 

This chapter is especially for any readers who, like myself, may be familiar with mental health struggles. Last time, we discussed the importance of grappling honestly with our questions as a crucial part of our journey to holiness. As I mentioned in that post, today we will shift our focus to the role mental health plays on that journey as a doorway for God to come through and heal us, especially through the Holy Mysteries of Confession and Communion. 

Of course, the all-powerful Creator God can heal all of our illnesses, whether physical or mental. I have found that our mental struggles are particularly able to be healed through His divine energies, especially through Confession and Communion. For anyone unfamiliar with these terms, Jesus instituted these Mysteries Himself when He demonstrated at the Last Supper how we are to “eat His flesh” (John 6:51-58–here is a great commentary), and when He breathed the Holy Spirit onto His disciples, telling them “Whose soever sins ye remit, they are remitted unto them; and whose soever sins ye retain, they are retained” (John 20:23). 

He that eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, dwelleth in me, and I in him.

John 6:56

These Mysteries restore the essential union between mankind and God, a unity which was ruptured when we freely chose not to be with Him in the Garden of Eden. As a result of our free choice away from God, sin, death, and every bad thing like disease and mental illness entered the picture. So, the way we solve these problems is to put things back together: to restore our union with God. Our “salvation” to use a Christianese term is nothing less than our complete spiritual healing. 

Mother Siluana Vlad shows how Confession and Communion play vital roles in this reunification: 

[There are] spiritual fathers who see passions as illnesses and tell people who come for Confession, “Does it hurt? Yes, sin hurts! Do you want to get healed? The only remedy is God. I now untie all the ‘dirty bandages’ you put over your wounds, I welcome you into the Eucharistic Assembly and I offer you the Remedy: the Body and Blood of our Lord. From now on, stand firm. Remember that you took Communion, that the Lord is in you, and say: ‘Lord, Your power is in me, help me not to fall into sin until Saturday when I go to Confession again!’”

And the sick person stands firm until Saturday, cries out to God, and is able not to fall into sin. Then the priest absolves him on Saturday and communes him on Sunday… And so, as a young man used to say, the priest “spoon-feeds” him year after year, until the person finds himself free of sin, free of passions.

—Mother Siluana Vlad, God, Where is the Wound?

In another excerpt, Mother Siluana quotes Fr. Symeon Kragiopoulos, offering another helpful metaphor so we can understand how this healing process works: 

Our minds are like watermelons floating on water. The part sticking out of the water is our conscious part, and the part under the water is our subconscious—and that is where we have cast off or hidden away our psychological wounds . . . And so, when I decide to give to God “my whole life,” I give Him only what I know of my life, only the part I am aware of. I give Him my sins as I know them, I give Him my thoughts and feelings which are tormenting me at this moment . . . Giving this part to God is like cutting a piece of the watermelon that sticks out of the water. What happens to the watermelon? It rises a bit and so another part sticks out of the water. I become aware of more things. I give these to God and I keep doing this until . . . What happens? There is so little left of the watermelon that it floats on the water. And so there is no more subconscious. The saints don’t have a subconscious.

—Elder Symeon Kragiopoulos (as quoted in God, Where is the Wound?)

For anyone who grew up in the West, especially in the Catholic or Protestant churches, this way of looking at sin and Confession will probably be completely new and potentially hard to wrap our mind around. Isn’t sin rule-breaking, failing to live up to God’s holiness, missing the mark, contracting a debt towards God that we can never repay? 

These metaphors for sin are true, but they very much also need to be balanced by the traditional Orthodox understanding of sin as a disease, just like the mental illnesses of depression and anxiety, or even cancer. Diseases come upon us. We are, to some extent, their victims, unable to save ourselves. We require therapeutic healing—and not necessarily from physical medication, but healing that transforms us from the inside out—through the uncreated energies of God.

When we view sin in the light of this metaphor, it becomes clear how it can sometimes even be appropriate to bring to God in Confession the wounds that have been inflicted on us from the outside—focusing not just on the wounds, but on our response to them. It’s important for us to be honest about our state, to shamelessly reveal our souls to the Physician, “lest having come to Him, we depart unhealed.” Also, because we are still in the process of becoming holy and haven’t arrived, we very often sin as a response to being sinned against. All of this we bring to God for healing in Confession. 

This completely applies to our mental health struggles, which, like physical wounds, represent to some extent an injury we have received. We can and do aggravate them through our responses to them, but the point is that they are very much not who we truly are. We are essentially separate from them, although they are part of our story. So, our complete healing from them is not only possible, but includes a clear path forward. The path to healing includes acknowledging where we are now, repenting of the ways we have given into temptation and aggravated our own struggles, and forgiving those who have hurt us. All of this, along with God’s forgiveness in Confession and healing in Communion, leads to freedom. 

So, today I would like to share a bit more of my own story in the hopes that it might bring you some encouragement, if the darkness is where you currently find yourself. 

I first struggled with depression as a freshman in high school. Over time, my symptoms became more frequent and more debilitating. My first visit to therapy was after graduating from high school. A strange woman (my first therapist) informed me that “depression was something I would struggle with forever.” I was still only a child, but something told me this could not possibly be true. Therapy did not really help, and I refused medication. My childhood best friend had been on antidepressants for years, but they only seemed to make her worse. She passed away at the age of 21 from mixing alcohol with them. Because of her experience, I was especially wary of medication. I kept hoping I’d grow out of depression, that it was situational, though therapy didn’t uncover any real problems. I suffered and struggled throughout college. 

The year after I graduated, I was teaching English abroad. To be honest, I didn’t really want to be doing this, but thought it was the “right” thing to do “for my career.” What I really wanted was to go home, teach in a school, find someone, fall in love, get married and have a family. But such a normal existence seemed “not good enough.” So, the cognitive dissonance and isolation of life abroad once again aggravated my depression. Ultimately, I suffered a complete nervous breakdown about six months into my teaching assignment. My family helped me decide to come home, although my contract was not yet up. Humiliated and humbled, I felt my life simply could not go on this way any longer. I knew I had not been created for such misery, and that God could not possibly be happy that I was stuck here. So, I resolved to do whatever it took to solve this problem once and for all. 

A series of events was now set in motion, including:

• Reading the book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, recommended to me by a priest in Russia.

• Visiting a monastery once I had returned home, to seek spiritual counsel.

• Visiting a naturopathic doctor on the recommendation of the monk I spoke with at the monastery. 

• Starting a ketogenic diet after visiting the naturopathic doctor. This diet has been known for over one hundred years to treat mental illnesses such as epilepsy with miracle-like results. 

• Availing myself assiduously and regularly of Confession and Communion at my local Orthodox parish. 

To make a long story a bit shorter, I have now been set free from depression for almost eight years, and I know it will never return. It is like an old skin that I have shed. There is no possible way it could fit on me anymore. Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift! (2 Corinthians 9:15) But, I am still alive and so I still have further to go. At every Confession, God cleanses me of sins new and old, and at every Eucharist, He sustains me with abundant life.

In my darkest moments, I found much comfort in the Pre-Communion Prayers, especially this one by St. Symeon the New Theologian: 

Savior, well I know that no one

Hath sinned as have I against Thee,

Nor hath wrought the deeds which I have.

Yet again, I know this also:

Neither greatness of transgressions,

Nor enormity in sinning,

Can surpass my God and Savior's

Great long-suffering and mercy

And exceeding love for mankind.

For with the oil of compassion

Thou dost cleanse and render shining

All those who repent with fervor;

And Thou makest them partakers

Of Thy light in all abundance,

And true sharers of thy Godhood. [...]

These things now do give me daring,

These things give me wings, O Christ God;

Trusting, then, in the abundance

Of Thy benefactions toward us,

With rejoicing, yet with trembling,

I partake now of the Fire.

Though but grass—O awesome wonder!—

Yet bedewed am I past telling,

Like that bush of old on Sinai

Which was unconsumed, though burning.

Have you ever thought of yourself as the Burning Bush, miraculously preserved whole though in the midst of holy flame? Yet this is exactly what happens when we partake of Communion. God Himself dwells in us. It is a miracle that we do not burn up: but at the same time He illumines us with supernatural warmth and vitality. This is how we are healed of our illnesses of soul and body. 

As we know, for mysterious reasons not all illnesses are fully healed by God in this lifetime. In these cases, it can help very much to remember St. Paul’s anecdote about the thorn in his side: 

Lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me. For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. And He said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for My strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.

2 Corinthians 12:7-10

As St. Paul explains, even if we haven’t yet received the healing we seek, our weakness is in no way an impediment to the action of God’s grace upon us. Rather, it can even be a further conduit for His grace. “Most gladly will we glory in our infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon us.” And this, too, is contained in the Pre-Communion Prayer of St. Symeon:

See my lowliness and toil!

Lo, the greatness of my suffering!

And, O God of all, forgive me

All the sins I have committed.

So that with a cleansed and pure heart,

And a mind with fear atremble,

And a soul contrite and lowly,

I may draw nigh to partake of

Thine all-pure and spotless Myst'ries,

Whereby all who eat and drink Thee

With a heart sincere and guileless

Are both deified and quickened.

For Thou sayest, O my Master:

He that eateth of my Flesh and

That doth drink of My Blood also

Doth abide in Me most truly,

And in him am I found also.

Wholly true is this word spoken

By my Lord and God and Master;

For whoever doth partake of

These divine and hallowed graces

Which impart deification

Is alone, in truth, no longer,

But is with Thee, Christ, Thou True Light

Of the Hallowed, Triple Daystar,

Which illumineth the whole world.

Lest, then, I remain alone now

And apart from Thee, Lifegiver,

O my Breath, my Life, my Gladness,

The entire world's Salvation,

For this cause do I approach Thee

With a soul contrite and tearful.

All human beings are sinners in a weak, victimized state—and yet, our Creator God loves us, wills our healing, and will never abandon us. He is always calling us back to Himself, wanting to restore us to that unity which we had with Him in the Garden of Eden. The door to reconciliation and healing is open: what are we waiting for?! 

---

Interview with Georgia Mamalakis 

It is my incredible privilege to share a beautiful conversation with

Georgia Mamalakis

. Georgia and her husband Philip (author of Parenting Toward the Kingdom: Orthodox Christian Principles of Child-Rearing) have been married for 30 years! Together they love caring for and raising their seven children, as well as giving hospitality to students and families at Holy Cross/Hellenic College where they reside in Boston, MA.

Georgia is very active in women’s ministries. She has been facilitating women’s groups for the 30 years of her marriage and mentoring women throughout that time. She strongly believes that taking time to read, pray, walk, and connect spiritually and emotionally with other women is life-transforming in every phase of life and vocation we may find ourselves in, and breeds miracles in our daily life, helping us to become who God created us to be!

Georgia’s life experience and loves are diverse. She homeschooled her seven children for many years, makes frequent pilgrimages to women’s monasteries, is an avid reader of spiritual books, and has spoken at various retreats and parishes throughout North America. She is a lover of the Twelve Step model and strongly appreciates connecting the Twelve Steps recovery/healing and Orthodox spirituality. She loves MiraXCle Mornings and how God fills her cup through our divine services, the outdoors, exercise, prayer, marriage and family, and connection within community, which is how we were created to live!

In this conversation we discuss: 

• Reflections and practical tips on confession, communion, and repentance 

• The relationship between Orthodoxy and the Twelve Steps 

• Making time for community with other Orthodox women and the importance of Orthodox women’s ministry

• The importance of nurturing loving and positive thoughts toward others

• How the process of salvation is truly a transformation of the heart  

I encourage you all to read or listen to this interview at least once! If you scroll to the bottom, you will see an amazing resource list of all the books Georgia mentioned, as well as how to join MiraXCle Morning, which is an online ministry for Orthodox women which she leads. Finally, I apologize for the audio issues on this recording and will work on addressing them next time. Thankfully, Georgia’s audio came through loud and clear! 

Unfortunately, due to my lack of expertise, we also had some recording issues at the end which is why you don’t hear me ask the final question and also why the audio quality changes in the final few minutes—we were unable to use the final minute or so of the interview recording, but Georgia graciously recorded her final thoughts on a voice memo which I included at the end.

I hope that despite the technical issues, this interview blesses you as much as it did me! Glory to God for all things!

LISTEN:

or READ:

Catie: With this project I wanted to create a resource for young Orthodox women—all young women, but especially Orthodox ones, are so blessed and encouraged when we come together and learn from each other and especially from women who are a little older. When reflecting on what has been most impactful in my faith journey so far, I came up with three topics: receiving God’s love, loving God back (returning His love), and sharing His love with others. Today I wanted to focus on receiving God’s love through the Holy Mysteries of Confession and Communion. So before I ask the other questions, do you have any overall thoughts or reflections on the project or the topic? 

Georgia: I love this topic and I am so blessed to be able to share with you some of my blessings. I truly believe to whom much is given, much is expected, and I have been given a lot of blessings, and flooded with God's grace, and miracles throughout my life. So I’m so thankful to be able to share here. 

There’s a quote from the Book of John; it's on the day we celebrate the memory of St. Mary Magdalene in Elder Symeon Kragiopoulos' daily reader—he says, St. Mary Magdalene and all the myrrh-bearing women, they get to go first to visit the Lord at His tomb. They are the ones the Lord loves so much, and they love the Lord so much. How is it that they're the ones who have that spot, when there are the disciples, the ones who were with Him every step of the way? Take St. Mary Magdalene as an example, that she was forgiven so much, and she repented so much, and her heart was transformed. There's a quote in the Gospel of John that says, “The person who is forgiven much, loves much.” So I feel like that's not only St. Mary Magdalene and all the myrrh-bearing women who got to then be first, but that’s all of us as Orthodox women, who are, God willing, repenting, and being forgiven so much, and then being able to love much. I feel like that’s one of the ways through my ministry and the blessing of being with other women, and even just being here with you today, that this can be a part of my journey through this beautiful topic. 

From Timeless Truths: The Annual Liturgical Cycle for Every Year by Elder Symeon Kragiopoulos

Catie: Yeah, that’s one thing that really stands out to me about your approach with the MiraXCle Morning [ministry for Orthodox women]. I remember my first meeting—I don’t remember the topic anymore, but the message I got was, and I don’t want to put this the wrong way, but I don’t have to strive so hard anymore. I don’t have to have a facade, because we’re all struggling and sinful and broken and we know that God loves us anyway, in spite of that. So we can just bring it all to Him. 

And that actually goes perfectly into my first question. I wanted to thank you and tell you what a blessing the MiraXCle Morning ministry is. I would love to hear a little bit more about what gave you the idea and the motivation to bring that group together and keep it going? 

Georgia: I’ve been trying to do a number of ministries throughout the thirty years of my marriage with women, starting out at the seminary with my husband, who attended Holy Cross Seminary. I had a whole platform of women who were the wives of seminarians and women who were studying there, who were all like Myrrh-Bearing Women, in love with the Lord, and wanted to share and boast in our weaknesses, who wanted to pray together and read the holy saints whose lives we want to follow together. So my women’s groups started there at seminary, thirty years ago. And every place I’ve ever lived since then, and now back at seminary where my husband teaches, I’ve had a women’s group once a week with other women, always for an hour and a half. This was part of the inspiration for starting the MiraXCle Mornings, which started during Covid, when a lot of us weren't going out as much and couldn't meet together. I was like, “we've got to keep this going!”

I know the topic for today has to do with depression. I feel like one of the most important things that’s really helped me to stay out of depression, and helps me become the woman and mother and wife whom God created me to be, is going to these women’s groups every single week of my marriage for an hour and a half. That didn't always happen in the summers because we would be traveling a little bit, but for the main nine months of the year. 

So when we couldn't get together as much in person during Covid, I was praying about it and talking to my spiritual father about it. It was through his blessing and encouragement—he was like, “Georgia, I want a couple of you women to help start this.”

A lot of times, Orthodox women will be told, or somehow think there always needs to be a priest there, or someone who’s the head of it, and I feel like my spiritual father is kind of guiding us. But when people say, “who leads your women's groups?” I always say, “the saints are leading it.” We read wonderful books, like the one by Gerondissa (Mother) Makrina, Words of the Heart. It's words from her heart that are guiding us. And now we're reading Mother Siluana's God, Where is the Wound? And these are the women, and the saints, who are leading the MiraXCle Morning, actually. 

My spiritual father says all the time: “women need women.” He says: “the holiest place you can be is underneath the epitrachelion (stole) of a priest¹—not because of me, but because of Christ—but the second holiest place you can be is underneath the shawl or the heart of another woman.”

The holiest place you can be is underneath the epitrachelion of a priest, but the second holiest place you can be is underneath the shawl or the heart of another woman.

Catie: Wow… that’s incredible. It’s like, we are that presence of Christ for each other. We receive Him through Confession and Communion, but we also receive Him through one another and give Him to each other, by being together in His name.

Georgia: I think either St. Silouan the Athonite or St. Sophrony, his spiritual child, says: “My brother is my life.” My sister is my life. 

When we're on the MiraXCle Morning, we follow the same three steps. It's always an hour and a half when I do women's groups in person. It's starting with prayer, always. Then we read, then we're all sharing our hearts. 

St. Paul asked three times for his thorn to be removed, and every time, Christ is telling him: “My grace is sufficient.” St. Paul then goes on to say, “If I'm going to boast in anything, I will boast in my weakness.” I feel like boasting in our weaknesses, with other women surrounding us—it's like a heavenly garden. Like, you're the beautiful roses, and maybe I'm a gardenia. There are these beautiful begonias over here, and here's the impatiens—and actually, the impatiens help us to be more patient! We're all here holding each other up, as we read what Mother Siluana suggests, and we say: “you know what, I do that. I've judged other people, and I know I've gotten headaches because of it.” And all of a sudden, other people are like, “wow, I've done that too.”

There's a little bit of cross-talk where we share and encourage each other, but more than anything, we're just putting everything in the light. What is revealed can be healed. 

Catie: Right… and I feel like this approach is really unique to Orthodoxy. We’re not afraid of the reality of the brokenness. I feel like maybe outside of the Orthodox tradition, it’s more individualistic, more concerned about myself, my holiness, my salvation instead of coming together. And then it’s also, “I don’t want to say the wrong thing, I need to show that I’m holy and have overcome these sins.” Whereas with Orthodoxy, we’re all together, we’re all realistic with ourselves and our struggles and each other, and making room for that. 

Georgia: Yes! I think maybe it's C.S. Lewis who said, “one Christian is no Christian.” You go to hell alone, or to heaven all together. 

I think through all of the 30 years of going through book after book, after wisdom after wisdom, of the holy wisdom of the Fathers and of the Saints... We've read Our Thoughts Determine Our Lives, Wounded by Love, all of Elder Paisios' teachings—On Spiritual Struggle, On Family Life, all those different things—and suddenly, we are all learning the wisdom of the saints and of the Holy Fathers and Mothers together, and we're all boasting in our weakness together, and none of us are alone. Like they say, if you want to go fast, go alone, but if you want to go far, go together. 

I've seen women in the four or five years that we've been doing this MiraXCle Morning, women who just call me and say, “I heard someone else talk about what they're going through with their children, or in their family, or in their marriage, and my heart is so at peace now. I'm not struggling anymore.” Sometimes even just the way a woman speaks, she'll say something so profound, like, “God crushes up everything, He crushes us and the stones crush together, but then they get softer.” Kind of what you're expressing about the Burning Bush. And then we all get to go back to our homes as wives, mothers, daughters, as sisters, and be softer, because we're rubbing up with each other and learning together. It's really a blessing, not to have to walk the journey alone. 

Catie: I'm really thankful for the woman who introduced me to your group and I'm excited to be telling more people about it! It's an amazing resource. 

So, you've been doing this since you were married, before any kids. How many kids do you have? 

Georgia: We are blessed with seven.

Catie: That's amazing! I am amazed that you found the time consistently through all those years of motherhood to prioritize this. That's something I'm struggling with right now, and I only have one outside the womb! Soon it will be two, God willing. There are always different things vying for our attention, whether we are mothers or we work full-time. How can we know what we're called to do and find the time and energy... or more broadly, what advice do you have for women who would like to invest in their real-life, local communities of Orthodox women, when there is always something else vying for our attention? 

Georgia: Right. Well, so when people tell me they don't have the time and they do have one, two or three children, I am always trying to encourage women, “You don't have the time to NOT do this.” I feel like it's so central, not only for us as women, mothers, wives, and daughters—I was even doing this starting in college, before even seminary, just going to the book groups and the retreats—but I feel like it's so good and important too for our husbands and for our children. Probably for ten to fifteen years, my husband had Game Night on Wednesday night with our children. They looked forward to it every week! “Game Night! What are we gonna do this week?” Sometimes, maybe somebody else would stay with them, and when our oldest was twelve, she started staying with the younger ones. But it's such special time for our husbands with the children, and for them also to really embrace their dads. Sometimes, maybe it's a mommy's child, and they're always wanting us. I had one dear friend come to visit me when she was pregnant with her fourth, and she was leaving three back at home, and she was just worried about them. And my husband was talking to her and saying, “there could be no bigger gift for your children and your husband than the fact that you entrusted them with him and left them.”

If it's okay that I go on, because I know you were going to ask me something about going through a difficult time in my own life, and since this chapter is about depression—

Catie: Yes, absolutely, thank you.

Georgia: When I went through a hard time when I was younger, I was in college in a sorority—I was so different than, kind of, the world and the normal sorority girl and college student. I just had so much joy from being an Orthodox Christian. Sometimes I would just wake up and just be excited to be around the women there, like, “Good morning!” I saw that people were struggling, and so I wanted to be a little bit more peaceful and let people be where they were. But sometimes, it was a struggle for me to be around people who were struggling so much. I said to my mom and dad, “I think I want to move out my junior and senior year, and live in an apartment with a few girls,” so I was talking to them about that. I remember my dad saying to me (he's right here by my side right now), he said: “Georgia, I read in a book and I want to remind you that everything everyone does is either an act of love or a cry for help. Those young women who sometimes struggle around you, or treat you in a certain way, they're crying out for help. Just stay there, and love them.” It was really encouraging. 

My father reminds me a little bit of a St. Paisios in the world. He always only has good thoughts about people and stays on that frequency, and is extremely positive and extremely faithful. When I read Our Thoughts Determine Our Lives to him—we read it throughout the past year—I'm like, “Dad, you taught us this!”

Elder Thaddeus says, “Be like the birds. From the minute they wake up in the morning, they start glorifying God with their doxologies and their chirping! Then they go to feed their young, but then they go back to their doxologies and praising the Lord.” I feel like I learned a lot in my earlier life about being in gratitude and living in a joyful place. I would put the things in the light, especially to my parents and my sisters sometimes, but now as I'm older, I'm learning to do that to God. As Mother Siluana teaches us on the unceasing liturgy of the heart: “offer it up, offer it up.”

But, there was a certain point, maybe about ten years into my marriage, right around when we had all seven children and the youngest two were one and three. It was a very full time and we had certain challenges in our marriage. When we had certain challenges more like seven years into our marriage, we were going every single week to an incredible spiritual father we found. We were living in Montana—which is where I am right now, visiting—and we would go over to Coeur d’Alene, Idaho once a month and confess to our spiritual father and be embraced by this community. This was a community that was living our faith and was in church all day long. We oftentimes didn't leave there until 4:30 in the afternoon. People were confessing, they were eating, we were having community together. Oftentimes we would go over with some angst in our hearts, and then we would get to be there for Saturday night and Sunday, and have confession and be around this community and the support of other families. We would drive back home feeling like we were flying, not even driving. 

That ties into some of what you were going to ask about Confession and Communion and repentance, and how reviving it is. I think St. Isaac the Syrian says, “It's a bigger miracle to know yourself than it is even to raise the dead.”

He who senses his sins is greater than he who raises the dead with his prayer. He who is made worthy to see himself is greater than he who is made worthy to see angels.

—St. Isaac the Syrian

So now, closer to ten or fifteen years into our marriage, when we were struggling in a new way like I said, when we had all seven children and we were back at the seminary, I was still trying all the things. I was doing women's group, trying to confess monthly, trying of course to take Holy Communion and to prepare for it every single week. And many times, when we were living near the seminary, it was kind of like living near a monastery—so I feel like I was not just existing, I was thriving in my faith because of all these blessings—and because of the visits to the monastery, which we usually did a number of times a year, maybe every season, every fall, every winter... Just the wisdom from the abbess or abbot and the nuns, and the blessing of being around that... 

I will say, I got to a certain time when it was just like, okay, I've tried everything and there are still some of these challenges. I feel like everything I'm going to is like going to the hardware store for bread. Interestingly enough, I had a priest in Missoula, Montana during a lot of the years I was raised here, who wrote one of the Twelve Step books, called the Steps of Transformation, and it’s by Fr. Meletios Webber. So because he was my priest, I read that. He was an alcoholic who recovered, and I was learning about his journey. Then we had another priest whom we became very close to, who also went through a period of alcoholism, and he's in the Boston area, too. He wrote another book, the only other Orthodox book I know of on the Twelve Steps, and that one is called Returning the Lost Sheep. It's got a picture of Christ with the sheep around His neck on the front. Both of these priests, and another priest who had a Twelve Step group in his church, had encouraged me to try out a Twelve Step program. I didn't have the typical, you know, huge addiction in my life, but I thought, I'm going to try this out. I'm going to call this number and see if there's anything wonderful in these steps. They're so spiritual, too. They say some of the people who wrote the AA Big Book read the Desert Fathers. It started out as a group called the Oxford Group in England. It's really so closely tied to our faith. So I made that call.

It’s funny, because when you say sometimes it can be really hard for women to find the time to do these groups—when I first heard of it, I thought, “okay, well I'm not going to have a sponsor and do things like everyone else does—I have faithful women in my life, I have my spiritual father—but I want to read these Steps and learn about this.” And I quickly began to see, when I began to attend meetings I saw people whose hearts and lives were being transformed—and all of these people had a sponsor. They have someone else who’s a co-pilot with God, not themselves. So I decided to ask a very faithful Christian woman to be my sponsor, and my life changed forever. 

In the years since then, my spiritual father has sent a lot of women to the MiraXCle Morning group, where we're all walking this journey together. A lot of us see how closely linked everything is for our faith. One special thing we do every year is there are twelve weeks, starting in about February, we start with the Lenten Triodion period. We go all the way through the Lenten period and into the Resurrection, and we tie the steps to each Sunday: the Publican and the Pharisee, the Prodigal Son, Forgiveness Sunday... It's a really beautiful way to bring the two together. Really, no Twelve Step program will ever save anyone or transform their heart. It's our relationship with our Sweetest Jesus, our Heavenly Father, that saves us, that transforms our hearts. They say that, kind of like something you wrote in this post—no matter what the problem is, God is the solution. 

We've all got that broken bridge. Maybe for you during that season it was depression. For me, it was my thinkaholism and the thoughts that I kept on having, or my judging someone else and thinking they were the problem, and if they would just change, and perfectionism. We each find out what our own “ism” is. They say, we've all got that broken bridge, no matter what it is, and we're all equal. Your virtue is my virtue. My passion is your passion. It's such a beautiful way of putting all of us on an equal playing field. And then they say, the only healing comes, not from fixing the bridge—because it's not like an alcoholic can be fixed, and they're never going to have any thought of alcoholism again—but by building that bridge to God. And Lent is the perfect time for doing this program and bringing it back to my faith. It expands every area of my faith. My heart and my life were transformed. 

We've all got that broken bridge, no matter what it is, and we're all equal. Your virtue is my virtue. My passion is your passion. The only healing comes, not from fixing the bridge—but by building that bridge to God.

Catie: Wow, that is amazing. So much wisdom, so many resources. Do you have any final thoughts to share with the readers and listeners? 

Georgia: If I could share just a few of my biggest blessings for when we are struggling or going through difficult times, I think one of the biggest blessings in our faith are the Akathists. Here's one, Prayers for Help in Time of Trouble, and a lot of these you can Google. There's another one called Akathist to Jesus, Light to Those in Darkness. I know that one is online. The introduction will change your life—it changed my life. Anytime I know someone who's going through something really difficult, I read them the Introduction, and then I try to pray three or four of the Ikoi and Kontakia with them, and then encourage them to pray on their own. 

Another book I've been reading lately that is completely transforming my heart and I think is 100% like recovery is this book, which I saw you referenced too: Who is God? Who Am I? Who Are You? It's incredible! It reminds us that when there are certain patterns we've gotten into and we can tend to shame ourselves or think, “Oh my goodness, I've gotten into all of this,” she says: That's not who you are. Those are the passions. What we need to do is repent of those passions, repent of our sins, because that's the world that's come in. This whole book, we're going to do on the MiraXCle Morning next, actually, for anyone who wants to join us. I found a pdf online of this—it's a very old book, so everyone can just use the pdf. It's incredible; I cannot recommend this enough. 

Another book that I think is incredible, that has been changing my life, is Every Sigh Can Be A Prayer by Fr. Arsenie Papacioc. Reading the Holy Elders from Romania who were persecuted by the Communists, they'll say one line in their books that just completely transforms our hearts. He talked about when he was in prison, in the refrigerator cell, and they knew they were going to get him out and he would be dead, he says: “I was sitting there in my striped uniform, and I started praying to the Lord. I said, ‘Lord, I am here, and I am dying for You.’” And he [saw the Lord appear by his side,] literally in a striped uniform. And when they opened the cell, he was warm. And the same thing can happen to us. 

From Every Sigh Can Be A Prayer by Fr. Arsenie Papacioc

Fr. Arsenie Papacioc, who wrote this book, says: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and your neighbor's venom will not hurt you.” He says, “Doing Commandment 2, to love your neighbor as yourself, is how we fulfill Commandment 1 [to love God].”

And the last thing I will say is, I wanted to share that there is an amazing book that goes so perfectly with your post, Catie, that is called The Path to Confession by Fr. Artemy Vladimirov. He starts out the book by showing the most beautiful garden you could ever imagine, and he says: this is the way we were created. But then, sin came into the world, and what happened in the Garden happened. He says that when the [Fall] happened, there was this biting wind, shame, and then there was the thunder, anger, and the lightning, regret. He says, there's only one way to restore what happened, and that is: REPENTANCE. He says, "I have this word in capital letters, and that's not by coincidence, because this entire book was written because of this one word and the importance of it. But he says, when we have repentance, it's important not only that we go to Confession and Communion, Confession and Communion, but that we literally keep a little notebook, write down the sins that we confess to our priest or our spiritual father, and write down the opposite on the opposite side, that we want to start actively doing. 

I have to say, I started doing this with my children about eighteen years ago, having us do about three every Lenten season. As many of the kids as possible, and myself, keep a journal throughout life, to be doing the opposite. Like St. Paul says, why is it that I do what I don't want to do, but the evil that is inside me, that I do? So we learn that we need to start trying to do the opposite of those sins we confess. 

I also want to say, regarding my journey with recovery, there's a book called Paths to Recovery, and I have renamed it in my heart, “Paths to Repentance.” Oh, what a blessing repentance is, and forgiveness. I've been doing Mother Siluana's Forgiveness Program, and when we give forgiveness, all we have left in our hearts is love. That’s what God fills our hearts with in the morning. What do we want to use that love and that grace for, that day?

So, glory to God for all these blessings our Holy Faith gives us!

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Thank you so much for reading (and/or listening)!

Are you struggling with a mental health issue or an addiction? Do you have a story of healing or recovery?

Please share in the comments, as well as any other thoughts you had on this chapter or the interview with Georgia. 

Resources:

Orthodox women’s community:

1. MiraXCle Morning WhatsApp group for Orthodox women (comment on this post or DM Catie to join—Orthodox women only) 

On Orthodox spirituality: 

2. God, Where Is The Wound? Healing Remedies for Today’s World by Mother Siluana Vlad (currently being read in the MiraXCle Morning group)

3. Who Is God? Who Am I? Who Are You?  by Dee Pennock (as Georgia mentioned, this is the next book that the MiraXCle Morning group will be reading through, starting this fall!)

4. Timeless Truths: The Annual Liturgical Cycle for Every Year by Elder Symeon Kragiopoulos

5. Our Thoughts Determine Our Lives: The Life and Teachings of Elder Thaddeus of Vitovnica 

6. Wounded by Love: the Life and Wisdom of St. Porphyrios (also mentioned in Chapter Two)

7. All of Elder Paisios' teachings, especially: On Spiritual Struggle, On Family Life (also mentioned in Chapter Two)

8. Words of the Heart by Gerondissa Makrina 

9. Every Sigh Can Be A Prayer by Fr. Arsenie Papacioc

On recovery: 

10. Steps of Transformation: An Orthodox Priest Explores the Twelve Steps by Fr. Meletios Webber

11. Returning the Lost Sheep: Ministering to the Alcoholic and Addict: An Orthodox Perspective by Fr. Dimitrios Moraitis 

12. Paths to Recovery: Al-Anon’s Steps, Traditions, and Concepts by Al-Anon Family Groups  

Prayer and Confession: 

13. The Path to Confession: A Book for Family Reading by Fr. Artemy Vladimirov

14. Prayers for Help in Trouble: Akathist to Almighty God

15. Akathist to Jesus, Light to Those in Darkness

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Final Announcement:

If you got this far, thanks for reading! I’m currently in the third trimester of my second pregnancy and struggling to keep my energy up as I also take care of a toddler. So, I’m announcing a 3-month publishing hiatus. Since beginning this Substack in December, I have been posting at least once a month, so publicly announcing a short hiatus will help me remove some of the internal stress I feel to post every so often. I look forward to joining back with you after the birth of our second daughter!

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Read previous posts in the series:

Read Next:

1. As in, while receiving Absolution after Confession.