Looking back, the thing about how I parented that I most wish I could change was spanking. I didn't do it a lot, but I believe it's possible not to "need" to, and believed it then - there just weren't very helpful resources 40 years ago. It's the parent's attitude that needs to change, of course. Aside from the "total depravity" perspective of Evangelicals, the basis for that kind of parenting seems to be about Management in the Machine-era sense, the influence of the Modernity in which we all swim on whatever people label as "Biblical, in spite of the best intentions of loving parents.
Though I was in an Evangelical environment when my children were very young, I think what saved me from the excesses of the so-called "Biblical" child-raising schemes, including demanding instant obedience, were the good things my own parents did in raising me (though I was spanked, and knew even as a child that all that did was instill in me fear of spanking). Both of my parents were Catholic, but there was also a very strong Italian cultural factor on my mom's side, which I believe mitigated her own feelings of inadequacy about parenting. I grew up when free-ranging was the norm, which was also helpful, and "alloparents" were plentiful, with this light duty expected in the community, esp the church community.
It sounds like this book needs to be the companion volume to Dr Mamelakis'.
Catie, you always seem to publish exactly the piece I need for the moment I'm currently in. We've been struggling with our three year old, she is a very spirited and sensitive soul who gets easily dysregulated and struggles to manage her emotions. I purchased Parenting Towards The Kingdom a couple of weeks ago and am finding it so helpful, its given me so much to reflect on and made me realise how much I need to learn as a parent! I love how Dr Mamalakis grounds his advice in the important truth that our children are also icons of God and thus worthy of love, respect and veneration. Such a different perspective from the strict Calvinist "total depravity" I was raised with! Have just ordered Hunt Gather Parent, it's been recommended to me so many times and I really trust your recommendations, you've never recommended a bad book :) Have made notes of all the other books you listed so I can work through them gradually.
I’m sorry to hear things have been challenging lately. Really glad you are finding Parenting Toward the Kingdom helpful and hope Hunt, Gather, Parent is a huge blessing to your family 💖💖💖
My husband and I started out as parents in a culture that sounds a lot like the godly tomatoes book. We saw godly families around us and desired to imitate them but I don’t think we got to actually see how they handled their youngest children. Anyway, our oldest is about 5.5 years old now and she is by nature sensitive and intense (since she was a baby!), and we deeply regret the early years of spanks with her. I love how you connected Orthodoxy and the Hunt, Gather, Parent examples, especially those quotes from St.Porphyrios and St.Paisios. This approach to parenting reminds me of what has been such a helpful resource for our family as we’ve been turning away from this kind of overly authoritative (adversarial!) parenting: a program called Connected Families by writers Jim and Lynne Jackson. It’s very evangelical, but truly offers so much practical wisdom and tools for compassion for governing yourself as you coach and guide and love children with God’s mercy and grace.
With the point about taking on the sins of others: I love the humility in this, the acknowledgment of personhood, the upholding of the truth of how God made us good. I see so much how my sin and suffering can cause my children to sin and suffer. I, like many, tend toward the so-called “mom-guilt.” Is that term itself a cultural misunderstanding of the virtue of “taking on the sins of others” or is it just something else entirely (not sure where that term even originated)? What does it look like when the line gets crossed into legitimately bad motherly tendencies to take on too much guilt and blame for the children’s sins or failures?
What a beautiful comment, thank you so much for sharing that. I’m excited to check out your book recommendation. Thank you!
I hesitate to respond to the question since I am younger in my parenting journey than you but it just so happens that a lot of my spiritual reading material has serendipitously been about this topic. It seems to me that the experience of repentance, whether it’s for our own sins or the sins of someone that we love, is a conduit for God‘s grace. For example this was what I read in a recent entry for the devotional I’m reading this year. I feel like it’s relevant here.
“One feels on the one hand that there is not another person sinful as he, and on the other, feels that no one else has been shown such mercy. On the one hand, that he is fit for hell, for the depths of Hades, that for no one else is anything like this more appropriate than for himself; on the other hand, he enjoys the mercy of God, the grace of God, he lives the love of God, heavenly life, he enjoys God himself. (Timeless Truths by Elder Symeon Kragiopoulos)
Applying this specifically to mom guilt was actually a thought I had while writing my last piece — Go Lower to Go Higher. My takeaway was that a guilt feeling can always be good when we connect it to the experience of God‘s love for us despite that guilt. However, when we’re disconnected from feeling that love, that’s when guilt feelings become a problem. It’s definitely a counterintuitive idea for us modern people but paradoxically beautiful.
That is profound and so helpful. Despising what is truly shameful is necessary but it cannot be good without first an even stronger love for what is true, good, and beautiful. I’ll definitely check out the Timeless Truths book!
If you don't mind sharing, what is it that has you regretting the spanks? Appreciate your openness, so helpful to us moms who don't really have a village we can safely discuss these things with!
I’m commenting here because I need to come back to read this. I am a believer in respectful parenting but I feel like my household has spiraled out of control. I have become the yelling, threatening, angry mom that I never wanted to be. I decided this morning I would be spanking my 4 year old everytime he hurts someone else… I hate it but nothing else has worked thus far either.
I think people might read this article and conclude that (i think that) spanking is always a problem but that's not true. Even Doucleff said in an interview that on some level spanking is universal (though it didn't come up in the book--literally no mention of the word spank--she focuses more on how indigenous people parent without yelling, and verbal manipulation like threats and praise etc--because thats where she needed to grow as a parent) and even in the other Orthodox resources I drew on there were allowances for spanking. (I can share some of those lines if you're interested) In my own journey i needed to move beyond frequent spanking (so thats more what i focused on in the piece) but that doesn't mean that's what everyone needs. I've also been noticing that a more calm and peaceful approach resonates more with parents of girls while a more firm approach resonates with parents of boys (of which i, and Doucleff, have none). Ideally I think we should have a balance of both--we can be kind and respectful to our boys and firm with our girls--and maybe problems happen when we are too strict and harsh with our girls, and too child-centered for boys... The section on Mayan parenting had a lot of good insights about how to make our families less child-centered and more family/team-centered. And I think there can be a world of difference between employing spanking on a limited basis and doing it all day every day as in Raising Godly Tomatoes.
I wonder if you have seen the lovely essay Bless the Boys by Sarah Rowell? I think you would love it.
I just finished. Thank you for sharing this! I’ve read a ton of parenting books. I had a really rough upbringing, and also studied (too much?) psychology in school so I realize how important the parental approach is. I read so many books literally just trying to figure out how to parent. I really love Magda Gerber’s approach (RIE parenting) for the early years. I would do somethings differently now.
Overall, things were calm and respectful for YEARS. My ability to parent this way was truly a miracle… and then somewhere we got off track and it’s seriously like my whole house is out of control. I have 3 boys, ages 2-7.
I honestly feel like I’m in my rock-bottom of parenting right now (Lord I pray it doesn’t get any worse) and I genuinely don’t know how to break the cycles. Everything sounds so good in theory but I have no idea how to actually implement it. For example, a book by L. R. Knost suggests that if you have any behavior issues with a child, spend a whole week having them stay with you and just being with them and listening to them. Ideally you would then continue to keep that child close… But if I do that with one child, though the others would have their turn, it would be a giant ordeal. And I honestly can’t manage doing hinges with all 3 of them around.
I feel like I am just exhausted, drained, depleted, and defeated. I pray and pray and pray for God to help me. I try so hard. But nothing is changing 😭😭😭 in fact, I think it’s getting worse.
I can’t offer any wise words since I am just right there alongside you in spirit but I hear everything you’re saying. ❤️ it must have been so surprising to have things take a turn like that. Maybe since things have gotten this challenging you could try to focus on just regular self care. Getting enough sleep, doing little things that make you happy. In the book she talked a lot about how two parents were never meant to shoulder the entire burden of raising children and that’s something that we as SAHMs are really challenged with, we can’t just rely on a village the way they’re able to in different cultures. But on that note actually I want to share another super helpful post I just read today about asking for support from other moms ❤️ Three Ways Moms Can Get More Support - https://stilltoday.substack.com/p/three-ways-moms-can-get-more-support?triedRedirect=true
Thank you for sharing the RIE/Magda Gerber resource. Her name rings a bell but I haven’t looked into her yet, so looking forward to doing that.
My heart goes out to you. Young mothers and fathers are so important. I recommend the child-wise series by Ezzo (teaches the difference between childishness and foolishness which is critical), anything and all by Elisabeth Eliott-her books Shaping of a Christian family and radio program Gateway to Joy taught me how to be a godly wife and mother, franecis and edith schaefer, and the book of proverbs with the new testament letters bc God uses His Word to cleanse and teach us. I raised three plus lots of nieces and nephews with sucess; mostly all boys. Now that they are all in their teens and twenties, I work at a school. I used to pray to be “firm but kind”, “mean what I say and say what I mean”, when reading books and teaching them I would try to always do Jesus First in other words, there is lots of good out there, but Jesus is best so should be first. Those d words ie defeat, drained at the end of your comment are absolutely harassment from the evil one. He does not want you to feel or attain success. You are probably doing a better job than you think. Ask Holy Spirit what you might be missing that is leading to strife and/or less peace in the home and spend time in praise to Him. Tighten up the home schedule so you are getting more rest-we had quiet time daily for everyone. Littles napped, biggers had to sit on their bed and read, draw, puzzles. Have supper and bedtime planned as best as possible so you and your husband have time together. I trued my best to stay calm and not yell, we read lots of books (we used honey for a childs heart), hugs, play, but I do believe in obedience and did spank for foolishness. God expects it from us, so we train them. I will pray for a Godly older woman for a friend for you❤️. Much Love in Christ to you.
First time obedience. As parents, we calmly state and expect first time obedience. Anything less than obedience, is disobedience. We do not threaten and/or yell. We help them comply; hand over hand if need be, with a firm spanking if direct disobedience. Childishness is not spanked but foolishness is. ie foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child but the rod will drive it far from him.
When I was studying Anthropology in college, I read a wonderful book about the Kalahari !Kung, the last of the hunter-gather peoples to still live this way of life. I was titled "Nisa," the name of the woman it centered around. There was a lot of valuable and fascinating stuff in it about how these people raised their children. From long-term breast feeding (5 years on average) to communal participation in child rearing. If a child was being problematic or doing something potentially dangerous, they didn't punish them for not listening or behaving as desired. Rather, another member of the community would often walk over and take the child somewhere else and simply redirect the child's focus. Here is a link to the book if you wish to check it out. It is well-worth reading. https://a.co/d/0Gsvv9I
Thank you for this article. We, too, thought at first we were supposed to control our children. We're working now to model collaborating on getting everyone's needs met. Rather, that is the framework of how I navigate all those tricky daily moments while we work on becoming saints so that the children too might want to become saints themselves. It's made for a more peaceful home, a better spiritual life for us, and a more coherent way of living with our children.
Two books I'd add to your excellent list are Raising Human Beings by Ross Greene and How to Talk So Kids Can Listen by Faber/Mazlish.
Beautiful insight: it's about meeting needs, not imposing anyone's agenda. Thank you for that!
Thank you for the book recommendations. I should revisit How to Talk So Kids Can Listen, I read it long ago as a counselor at a group home and it was extremely helpful. Adding Raising Human Beings to my TBR and looking forward to diving in.
Nice review. I love the move away from the replication of absolute sovereignty as the most important thing about God towards ascetic struggle invitation and perhaps kenosis. Keep up the good work.
I loved reading this. I’m not Orthodox but in my desire to avoid repeating my reformed parents authoritarian extremes and control, I’ve set out to find parenting methods that are more like Jesus and don’t involve spanking and verbal attacks. Unfortunately I tried in my own strength to “gentle parent” with worldly wisdom and that will always fail. Things got confusing and dark in the first few years, and we were at a crisis when God made it clear that our sweet and loving preschooler actually had an unclean spirit, and we needed to deal with that first. It would periodically attack with violence, and we quickly found that parenting strategies just don’t work on a demon. Finally when that was removed at 4 years old, she was able to thrive as a helpful and valuable contributor to our family, not merely an agent of chaos needing to be managed, or a bomb waiting to go off.
It was a long process because my husband and I came from churches that don’t practice deliverance.
It seemed connected to certain family members and their witchcraft, and I had warning dreams around them.
We didn’t know what to do but studied and prayed, and God connected us with the right people to teach us. He was also purifying me and taking me through a lot of repentance. Then finally I asked God for an opportunity to deal with whatever was oppressing our daughter. My husband and I were able to cast it out that night when she got up with a night terror. She’s been free for over a year now!
Wow! Thank you for this article and for the many resources you cite. I can't wait to read some of them for myself. This is very well-written and hopeful for parents wanting to grow in patient guidance of their children rather than the yelling and punishing we were raised with.
This book was so good, and offered perspectives that I'm grateful to have when my kids are still very young. I was often thinking how, even though the cultures within the book were not necessarily Christian, so much of their approach to parenting spoke to me as what kind of mother I want to be to help them feel God's love (despite my imperfect attempts).
Thanks for the other book recommendations. I am wanting to read "Free Range Kids" after reading "The Anxious Generation" By Jonathan Haidt (so, so good...highly recommend).
Loved this! It’s a great book. I realized that I wouldn’t be able to implement certain parts of it (it’s in my nature to praise my child a lot even though it’s not optimal) but trying to adopt the general attitude has been so helpful.
Yes!! It'll be interesting to see how the discipline and authority issues play out. He's only one now but I do think boys need a firmer hand sometimes.
I read that fantastic piece that I saw you commented on about how gentle parenting doesn’t work for boys. I think my perspective would be a lot different if I had a boy instead of two girls.
I’d be interested in the piece about gentle parenting not working for boys? I have an infant son and 2 yo daughter. We are trying to create an atmosphere of gentleness, but I don’t know a lot about raising boys as I didn’t have a brother nor did my mother.
I loved Hunt Gather Parent and devoured it while I was pregnant with my daughter. The mindset of the Inuit described in the book also deeply resonates with me as someone who grew up in a profoundly angry household. The book definitely shaped my decisions and helped establish the foundation from which I parent my daughter which is to prioritize our relationship above everything else. Amazingly, I treat her like a person, we have a strong bond, and obedience is not an issue for me at all. I also recommend the books “hold on to your kids” (this book focuses a lot on attachment theory which further influenced how I nurture and prioritize my relationship with my daughter) I also really liked “there’s no such thing as bad weather”
On my ‘to be read’ list is “never in anger” which Michalean Doicleff cites in her book as a deeper insight into the way of life of the Inuit people. It was written by an anthropologist who lived among them.
This was so, so, so good! Thank you for putting it together. I cringe at parenting books that stress machine-obedience in children, as if they are little robots who must be controlled. Much, *much* damage has been done through them - in the guise of "Biblical teaching." And yet, it persists, I think because we, as parents (and yes, I'm including myself), parent the way we were parented. I struggle with this all the time. My struggles will become my child's struggles if I do not become more aware and seek to actively change my knee-jerk reactions, fears, etc. Unfortunately, our struggles as parents only manifest after we have become parents! And you have offered us a great list and worthy contemplation. ❤️ Thank you, and St. Olga, please pray for us!
All of this resonates with me so much. Thank God for bringing our struggles and weaknesses to the light through parenting, and let's trust in His Grace as we learn to repent of all that and become self-controlled, humble, patient and loving.
Looking back, the thing about how I parented that I most wish I could change was spanking. I didn't do it a lot, but I believe it's possible not to "need" to, and believed it then - there just weren't very helpful resources 40 years ago. It's the parent's attitude that needs to change, of course. Aside from the "total depravity" perspective of Evangelicals, the basis for that kind of parenting seems to be about Management in the Machine-era sense, the influence of the Modernity in which we all swim on whatever people label as "Biblical, in spite of the best intentions of loving parents.
Though I was in an Evangelical environment when my children were very young, I think what saved me from the excesses of the so-called "Biblical" child-raising schemes, including demanding instant obedience, were the good things my own parents did in raising me (though I was spanked, and knew even as a child that all that did was instill in me fear of spanking). Both of my parents were Catholic, but there was also a very strong Italian cultural factor on my mom's side, which I believe mitigated her own feelings of inadequacy about parenting. I grew up when free-ranging was the norm, which was also helpful, and "alloparents" were plentiful, with this light duty expected in the community, esp the church community.
It sounds like this book needs to be the companion volume to Dr Mamelakis'.
Dana
What an incredible insight about the management paradigm. Thank you so much for sharing that and for reading and sharing your experience Dana. ❤️
Catie, you always seem to publish exactly the piece I need for the moment I'm currently in. We've been struggling with our three year old, she is a very spirited and sensitive soul who gets easily dysregulated and struggles to manage her emotions. I purchased Parenting Towards The Kingdom a couple of weeks ago and am finding it so helpful, its given me so much to reflect on and made me realise how much I need to learn as a parent! I love how Dr Mamalakis grounds his advice in the important truth that our children are also icons of God and thus worthy of love, respect and veneration. Such a different perspective from the strict Calvinist "total depravity" I was raised with! Have just ordered Hunt Gather Parent, it's been recommended to me so many times and I really trust your recommendations, you've never recommended a bad book :) Have made notes of all the other books you listed so I can work through them gradually.
I’m sorry to hear things have been challenging lately. Really glad you are finding Parenting Toward the Kingdom helpful and hope Hunt, Gather, Parent is a huge blessing to your family 💖💖💖
My husband and I started out as parents in a culture that sounds a lot like the godly tomatoes book. We saw godly families around us and desired to imitate them but I don’t think we got to actually see how they handled their youngest children. Anyway, our oldest is about 5.5 years old now and she is by nature sensitive and intense (since she was a baby!), and we deeply regret the early years of spanks with her. I love how you connected Orthodoxy and the Hunt, Gather, Parent examples, especially those quotes from St.Porphyrios and St.Paisios. This approach to parenting reminds me of what has been such a helpful resource for our family as we’ve been turning away from this kind of overly authoritative (adversarial!) parenting: a program called Connected Families by writers Jim and Lynne Jackson. It’s very evangelical, but truly offers so much practical wisdom and tools for compassion for governing yourself as you coach and guide and love children with God’s mercy and grace.
With the point about taking on the sins of others: I love the humility in this, the acknowledgment of personhood, the upholding of the truth of how God made us good. I see so much how my sin and suffering can cause my children to sin and suffer. I, like many, tend toward the so-called “mom-guilt.” Is that term itself a cultural misunderstanding of the virtue of “taking on the sins of others” or is it just something else entirely (not sure where that term even originated)? What does it look like when the line gets crossed into legitimately bad motherly tendencies to take on too much guilt and blame for the children’s sins or failures?
What a beautiful comment, thank you so much for sharing that. I’m excited to check out your book recommendation. Thank you!
I hesitate to respond to the question since I am younger in my parenting journey than you but it just so happens that a lot of my spiritual reading material has serendipitously been about this topic. It seems to me that the experience of repentance, whether it’s for our own sins or the sins of someone that we love, is a conduit for God‘s grace. For example this was what I read in a recent entry for the devotional I’m reading this year. I feel like it’s relevant here.
“One feels on the one hand that there is not another person sinful as he, and on the other, feels that no one else has been shown such mercy. On the one hand, that he is fit for hell, for the depths of Hades, that for no one else is anything like this more appropriate than for himself; on the other hand, he enjoys the mercy of God, the grace of God, he lives the love of God, heavenly life, he enjoys God himself. (Timeless Truths by Elder Symeon Kragiopoulos)
Applying this specifically to mom guilt was actually a thought I had while writing my last piece — Go Lower to Go Higher. My takeaway was that a guilt feeling can always be good when we connect it to the experience of God‘s love for us despite that guilt. However, when we’re disconnected from feeling that love, that’s when guilt feelings become a problem. It’s definitely a counterintuitive idea for us modern people but paradoxically beautiful.
That is profound and so helpful. Despising what is truly shameful is necessary but it cannot be good without first an even stronger love for what is true, good, and beautiful. I’ll definitely check out the Timeless Truths book!
If you don't mind sharing, what is it that has you regretting the spanks? Appreciate your openness, so helpful to us moms who don't really have a village we can safely discuss these things with!
I’m commenting here because I need to come back to read this. I am a believer in respectful parenting but I feel like my household has spiraled out of control. I have become the yelling, threatening, angry mom that I never wanted to be. I decided this morning I would be spanking my 4 year old everytime he hurts someone else… I hate it but nothing else has worked thus far either.
Prayers for you and your son, Emily. ❤️
I think people might read this article and conclude that (i think that) spanking is always a problem but that's not true. Even Doucleff said in an interview that on some level spanking is universal (though it didn't come up in the book--literally no mention of the word spank--she focuses more on how indigenous people parent without yelling, and verbal manipulation like threats and praise etc--because thats where she needed to grow as a parent) and even in the other Orthodox resources I drew on there were allowances for spanking. (I can share some of those lines if you're interested) In my own journey i needed to move beyond frequent spanking (so thats more what i focused on in the piece) but that doesn't mean that's what everyone needs. I've also been noticing that a more calm and peaceful approach resonates more with parents of girls while a more firm approach resonates with parents of boys (of which i, and Doucleff, have none). Ideally I think we should have a balance of both--we can be kind and respectful to our boys and firm with our girls--and maybe problems happen when we are too strict and harsh with our girls, and too child-centered for boys... The section on Mayan parenting had a lot of good insights about how to make our families less child-centered and more family/team-centered. And I think there can be a world of difference between employing spanking on a limited basis and doing it all day every day as in Raising Godly Tomatoes.
I wonder if you have seen the lovely essay Bless the Boys by Sarah Rowell? I think you would love it.
Thanks for reading and commenting ❤️
I just finished. Thank you for sharing this! I’ve read a ton of parenting books. I had a really rough upbringing, and also studied (too much?) psychology in school so I realize how important the parental approach is. I read so many books literally just trying to figure out how to parent. I really love Magda Gerber’s approach (RIE parenting) for the early years. I would do somethings differently now.
Overall, things were calm and respectful for YEARS. My ability to parent this way was truly a miracle… and then somewhere we got off track and it’s seriously like my whole house is out of control. I have 3 boys, ages 2-7.
I honestly feel like I’m in my rock-bottom of parenting right now (Lord I pray it doesn’t get any worse) and I genuinely don’t know how to break the cycles. Everything sounds so good in theory but I have no idea how to actually implement it. For example, a book by L. R. Knost suggests that if you have any behavior issues with a child, spend a whole week having them stay with you and just being with them and listening to them. Ideally you would then continue to keep that child close… But if I do that with one child, though the others would have their turn, it would be a giant ordeal. And I honestly can’t manage doing hinges with all 3 of them around.
I feel like I am just exhausted, drained, depleted, and defeated. I pray and pray and pray for God to help me. I try so hard. But nothing is changing 😭😭😭 in fact, I think it’s getting worse.
I can’t offer any wise words since I am just right there alongside you in spirit but I hear everything you’re saying. ❤️ it must have been so surprising to have things take a turn like that. Maybe since things have gotten this challenging you could try to focus on just regular self care. Getting enough sleep, doing little things that make you happy. In the book she talked a lot about how two parents were never meant to shoulder the entire burden of raising children and that’s something that we as SAHMs are really challenged with, we can’t just rely on a village the way they’re able to in different cultures. But on that note actually I want to share another super helpful post I just read today about asking for support from other moms ❤️ Three Ways Moms Can Get More Support - https://stilltoday.substack.com/p/three-ways-moms-can-get-more-support?triedRedirect=true
Thank you for sharing the RIE/Magda Gerber resource. Her name rings a bell but I haven’t looked into her yet, so looking forward to doing that.
Keeping you in my prayers today!
My heart goes out to you. Young mothers and fathers are so important. I recommend the child-wise series by Ezzo (teaches the difference between childishness and foolishness which is critical), anything and all by Elisabeth Eliott-her books Shaping of a Christian family and radio program Gateway to Joy taught me how to be a godly wife and mother, franecis and edith schaefer, and the book of proverbs with the new testament letters bc God uses His Word to cleanse and teach us. I raised three plus lots of nieces and nephews with sucess; mostly all boys. Now that they are all in their teens and twenties, I work at a school. I used to pray to be “firm but kind”, “mean what I say and say what I mean”, when reading books and teaching them I would try to always do Jesus First in other words, there is lots of good out there, but Jesus is best so should be first. Those d words ie defeat, drained at the end of your comment are absolutely harassment from the evil one. He does not want you to feel or attain success. You are probably doing a better job than you think. Ask Holy Spirit what you might be missing that is leading to strife and/or less peace in the home and spend time in praise to Him. Tighten up the home schedule so you are getting more rest-we had quiet time daily for everyone. Littles napped, biggers had to sit on their bed and read, draw, puzzles. Have supper and bedtime planned as best as possible so you and your husband have time together. I trued my best to stay calm and not yell, we read lots of books (we used honey for a childs heart), hugs, play, but I do believe in obedience and did spank for foolishness. God expects it from us, so we train them. I will pray for a Godly older woman for a friend for you❤️. Much Love in Christ to you.
Thank you so much!!
First time obedience. As parents, we calmly state and expect first time obedience. Anything less than obedience, is disobedience. We do not threaten and/or yell. We help them comply; hand over hand if need be, with a firm spanking if direct disobedience. Childishness is not spanked but foolishness is. ie foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child but the rod will drive it far from him.
When I was studying Anthropology in college, I read a wonderful book about the Kalahari !Kung, the last of the hunter-gather peoples to still live this way of life. I was titled "Nisa," the name of the woman it centered around. There was a lot of valuable and fascinating stuff in it about how these people raised their children. From long-term breast feeding (5 years on average) to communal participation in child rearing. If a child was being problematic or doing something potentially dangerous, they didn't punish them for not listening or behaving as desired. Rather, another member of the community would often walk over and take the child somewhere else and simply redirect the child's focus. Here is a link to the book if you wish to check it out. It is well-worth reading. https://a.co/d/0Gsvv9I
Thank you so much for the recommendation, Esmée! I would love to check out this book.
Thank you for this article. We, too, thought at first we were supposed to control our children. We're working now to model collaborating on getting everyone's needs met. Rather, that is the framework of how I navigate all those tricky daily moments while we work on becoming saints so that the children too might want to become saints themselves. It's made for a more peaceful home, a better spiritual life for us, and a more coherent way of living with our children.
Two books I'd add to your excellent list are Raising Human Beings by Ross Greene and How to Talk So Kids Can Listen by Faber/Mazlish.
Beautiful insight: it's about meeting needs, not imposing anyone's agenda. Thank you for that!
Thank you for the book recommendations. I should revisit How to Talk So Kids Can Listen, I read it long ago as a counselor at a group home and it was extremely helpful. Adding Raising Human Beings to my TBR and looking forward to diving in.
Nice review. I love the move away from the replication of absolute sovereignty as the most important thing about God towards ascetic struggle invitation and perhaps kenosis. Keep up the good work.
Thank you so much, Joel! I appreciate it. :)
I loved reading this. I’m not Orthodox but in my desire to avoid repeating my reformed parents authoritarian extremes and control, I’ve set out to find parenting methods that are more like Jesus and don’t involve spanking and verbal attacks. Unfortunately I tried in my own strength to “gentle parent” with worldly wisdom and that will always fail. Things got confusing and dark in the first few years, and we were at a crisis when God made it clear that our sweet and loving preschooler actually had an unclean spirit, and we needed to deal with that first. It would periodically attack with violence, and we quickly found that parenting strategies just don’t work on a demon. Finally when that was removed at 4 years old, she was able to thrive as a helpful and valuable contributor to our family, not merely an agent of chaos needing to be managed, or a bomb waiting to go off.
Glory to God for His deliverance.
Wow- how did you figure that out?
It was a long process because my husband and I came from churches that don’t practice deliverance.
It seemed connected to certain family members and their witchcraft, and I had warning dreams around them.
We didn’t know what to do but studied and prayed, and God connected us with the right people to teach us. He was also purifying me and taking me through a lot of repentance. Then finally I asked God for an opportunity to deal with whatever was oppressing our daughter. My husband and I were able to cast it out that night when she got up with a night terror. She’s been free for over a year now!
Oh wow, so interesting. Thanks for sharing.
Wow! Thank you for this article and for the many resources you cite. I can't wait to read some of them for myself. This is very well-written and hopeful for parents wanting to grow in patient guidance of their children rather than the yelling and punishing we were raised with.
Thank you Stephanie 😊
Beautiful article! Going to add some books to my reading list!
This book was so good, and offered perspectives that I'm grateful to have when my kids are still very young. I was often thinking how, even though the cultures within the book were not necessarily Christian, so much of their approach to parenting spoke to me as what kind of mother I want to be to help them feel God's love (despite my imperfect attempts).
Thanks for the other book recommendations. I am wanting to read "Free Range Kids" after reading "The Anxious Generation" By Jonathan Haidt (so, so good...highly recommend).
Loved this! It’s a great book. I realized that I wouldn’t be able to implement certain parts of it (it’s in my nature to praise my child a lot even though it’s not optimal) but trying to adopt the general attitude has been so helpful.
I am sure it is just perfect for your little boy that you are lavish with your praise ❤️ you have a boy right? Thanks for reading!
Yes!! It'll be interesting to see how the discipline and authority issues play out. He's only one now but I do think boys need a firmer hand sometimes.
I read that fantastic piece that I saw you commented on about how gentle parenting doesn’t work for boys. I think my perspective would be a lot different if I had a boy instead of two girls.
I’d be interested in the piece about gentle parenting not working for boys? I have an infant son and 2 yo daughter. We are trying to create an atmosphere of gentleness, but I don’t know a lot about raising boys as I didn’t have a brother nor did my mother.
Right here :) https://elizabethgracematthew.substack.com/p/how-progressive-mothering-fails-boys?utm_medium=web&triedRedirect=true
Thanks for reading, Kandice!
I have three boys and really enjoyed that piece.
I loved Hunt Gather Parent and devoured it while I was pregnant with my daughter. The mindset of the Inuit described in the book also deeply resonates with me as someone who grew up in a profoundly angry household. The book definitely shaped my decisions and helped establish the foundation from which I parent my daughter which is to prioritize our relationship above everything else. Amazingly, I treat her like a person, we have a strong bond, and obedience is not an issue for me at all. I also recommend the books “hold on to your kids” (this book focuses a lot on attachment theory which further influenced how I nurture and prioritize my relationship with my daughter) I also really liked “there’s no such thing as bad weather”
On my ‘to be read’ list is “never in anger” which Michalean Doicleff cites in her book as a deeper insight into the way of life of the Inuit people. It was written by an anthropologist who lived among them.
Thank you so much for these recommendations!! God bless you, very nice to “meet” you and thank you for commenting!
This was so, so, so good! Thank you for putting it together. I cringe at parenting books that stress machine-obedience in children, as if they are little robots who must be controlled. Much, *much* damage has been done through them - in the guise of "Biblical teaching." And yet, it persists, I think because we, as parents (and yes, I'm including myself), parent the way we were parented. I struggle with this all the time. My struggles will become my child's struggles if I do not become more aware and seek to actively change my knee-jerk reactions, fears, etc. Unfortunately, our struggles as parents only manifest after we have become parents! And you have offered us a great list and worthy contemplation. ❤️ Thank you, and St. Olga, please pray for us!
All of this resonates with me so much. Thank God for bringing our struggles and weaknesses to the light through parenting, and let's trust in His Grace as we learn to repent of all that and become self-controlled, humble, patient and loving.
Thank you Brandi ❤️
Thank you.